


Lost

by cleste09



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Eventual Happy Ending, Happy Ending, Hurt, M/M, Marriage Proposal, Mental Health Issues, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-24
Updated: 2015-06-26
Packaged: 2018-04-05 22:25:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4197258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cleste09/pseuds/cleste09
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When you can't get through that barrier, what would you do?<br/>When you see him laying on the ground, how would you feel?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: Suicide, bits of self-harm, suicidal attempts, suicidal thoughts, mental health issues.
> 
> Please do not read it if you are easily affected by such things.

The sound of heavy beats of the music rang loudly in his ears. It was making him feel dizzy but he kept a straight face. The people around him were dancing like lunatics, the effects of the alcohol kicking in, making them feel hyper and energetic.

Jenson made his way over to the bar, away from the dance floor. He sat down and ordered another shot of vodka. The sound of the music was making him feel sick. His stomach was churning, ready to puke at any time but he suppressed it.

The vodka was placed in front of him and he took it and drank it straight away. The burning sensation in his throat made him feel that he was actually alive, just for a moment. He closed his eyes, trying his best to shut the music out from his mind. Now, all he could hear was the faint sound of music and a few disappointed faces were imprinted on his mind. Those faces were the ones that he didn’t want to see. He opened his eyes again. He felt himself shivering. He raised his shaky hand again and ordered another vodka.

...

It was 3am. The club was closing and he dragged his feet out of the club. He was very drunk but he needed to be drunk. He needed to stop feeling the disappointment and pain whenever he is sober. He couldn’t walk in a straight line and he had to lean against the walls to balance himself. He found himself in a dark alley. How the hell did he end up there, he didn’t know. He slumped onto the ground, laughing to himself.

“You’re pathetic, Jenson. A pathetic person who doesn’t deserve to live this kind of life!” he shouted to himself.

He kept laughing. Tears were streaming down from his eyes although he was laughing. Those tears were not foreign to him. He had been crying for the past few days.

“You’re a man, Jenson. Stop crying like a baby!!!!” he continued shouting to himself.

Tears didn’t stop streaming down his face. The tears dripped onto his hands and wrists. They were covered with many scars and fresh wounds. He wore a jacket to cover those wounds. He didn’t want people to see them. He didn’t want to let people know that he was harming himself. He just needed to feel pain. He needed to punish himself for being so pathetic.

His hands were still shaking. He kept crying. He buried his face in his hands. He couldn’t block out all the flashes of people being disappointed with him. He couldn’t bear to see those images again. He couldn’t bear face them tomorrow and act like there’s nothing wrong with him and he had everything under control. He was just weak, vulnerable and useless. He couldn’t find a solution to solve his problem and he knew he will continue to disappoint those people who had high hopes on him.

He sat there, crying his eyes out for a while. As he finally calmed himself down, he pulled himself up and walked back home.

...

As he closed the door to his apartment, he looked around. It was in a mess. Blood stained cloths and tissues littered around the apartment. He removed his jacket and threw it aside. He took off his shirt as he stood in front of a mirror. Long scars and some fresh wounds reflected back from the mirror. His whole torso and arms were filled with them.

He reached out and placed his fingertips on one of the fresh wound on his left arm. It stung but he pressed onto it harder. The wound broke apart and blood started trickling down from the wound. He closed his eyes and savoured the pain.

Just then, his phone rang. He fished out his phone from his jeans pocket and stared at the screen for a moment. It was the person he dreaded to hear from. The source of disappointment that he was getting. The reason why he had started doing all of this. He answered it with shaky hands.

“Jenson, please come into office tomorrow. We need to talk about your recent performance,” the voice was cool and calm, as though it wasn’t a big deal.

“Y... Yes... I will,” Jenson’s voice was soft and shaky.

“Jenson, are you alright?”

“Yes, I’m.. I’m fine. I’ll see you tomorrow,” Jenson said as he ended the call. He threw his phone across the room. He was still shaking badly.

He slumped onto the floor once again. He knew what has to come will come. He had to face it no matter what but he couldn’t. He just couldn’t bring himself to face it. He didn’t have any idea how to solve the problem he was facing. He was lost and confused. He just didn’t know what’s wrong.

He reached out and felt something sharp. He looked down to find the knife he used earlier on in the day to add another wound on his already wounded body. He picked it up and looked at it. Blood stained the sharp ends of the knife. He kept looking at it. His mind wandered for a while. He knew what to do.

He felt jolts of pain spread through his body and up to his brain. The pain was nothing he had felt before. He felt a smile forming on his face. Another strong jolt of pain spread through again. He felt his jeans getting damp as the blood continued to trickle out from his wound. He sat on the floor as he closed his eyes, savouring every moment of pain. He felt his head getting lighter and he felt colder by every second. He felt life was leaving him soon but he kept smiling. He knew everything will end. All the pain, all the disappointments, all of his problems. They will end.

He could hear knockings on the door. They were very faint. He ignored them and kept his eyes closed. He kept smiling. He felt so light-headed and he found it hard to breathe. He could hear the knocks turned into bangs on the door but he couldn’t be bothered.

He could feel himself drifting away from reality. He was breathing very heavily and he felt very, very cold. He knew it was going to end soon. Everything will end soon.

Just then, he felt himself being shaken. A worried voice rang through his ears but it was very faint. He kept his eyes shut. The voice was familiar to him. But he couldn’t recall who was it. He felt himself being lifted up after a while but his mind went blank right after that.

...

As he opened his eyes once again, he found himself staring at the ceiling. The whole place was dimly lit by the bedside lamp. He blinked a few times, trying to remember what had happened. He could hear a faint beeping voice beside him. He raised his right arm slightly and found bandages wrapped around his wrists and arm. He found a tube connected to his hand.

He turned his head to his right and found a person sitting there with eyes closed. The person looked very tired. He knew this person must had sent him to the hospital.

He tried to get up without making any noise but the bed squeaked as he moved. The person sitting there stirred in his sleep when he heard the squeak. He opened his eyes and looked at Jenson. A smile appeared on his face as he got up and went closer to him. Jenson looked at him.

“Seb? What...?” he managed to say with a very hoarse voice.

Sebastian just smiled as he poured a cup of water for Jenson. He helped him sit up on his bed and passed him the cup of water.

“I went to your apartment because I knew you were not feeling well at all. You didn’t answer your phone so I got very worried. I banged on the door but there was no answer. I tried opening it and I was surprised to find it unlocked. I went in and saw you sitting on the ground, in a pool of blood. You were unconscious already. I was very scared I will lose you. You gave me a big scare!” Sebastian said as he sat down on the bed, facing Jenson.

Jenson looked away. He now remembered what had happened.

“Why did you save me?” he asked softly.

Sebastian’s eyes widened. “It’s because it’s not worth it for you to kill yourself,” he said. He was very sad to see him going through all of these. It really pained him to see Jenson in such a state.

“It’s worth it...” Jenson insisted.

Sebastian reached out and held onto Jenson’s hand.

“No, it’s not. It does not solve your problem. If you killed yourself, you will just make things worse. Think about all of your loved ones. What will they feel when they found out about what happened to you? What about... me?” his voice was soft as he said that out.

Jenson looked at him. He could see the sadness in Sebastian’s eyes. He looked away. He couldn’t bear to see that. It made him angry with himself because he was the source of sadness in Sebastian.

“Jenson, I know it’s hard for you to go through what you are going through, but there will be a solution to it. Killing yourself does not help at all...” Sebastian continued saying as he stroke Jenson’s hair softly.

Jenson closed his eyes. He knew Sebastian was right. He knew whatever he had done to himself were wrong. He knew he had to stop this and face his problems. He nodded slightly after a while.

A smile formed on Sebastian’s face.

“I will help you through this. I will always be there for you...” Sebastian said as he closed in to kiss Jenson on his lips gently.

Jenson kissed back as he closed his eyes. He knew he could pull through this, especially with his help. He will get through this, no matter what.

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There is always a happy ending to every story...

Jenson was alone in the ward. The beeping sound from the machine beside him was making it hard for him to fall asleep. Sebastian had returned home after Jenson had insisted that he should go back and rest. It hurt him to see Sebastian’s tired face because he had to look after him. Sebastian only gave in and left after Jenson had reassured him he would take care of himself and won’t do anything stupid.

He stared up at the ceiling, remembering why he had to be here in the hospital. He remembered receiving the phone call. He remembered how he had reached for a sharp item to cut his wrist. He shut his eyes, trying to block away the negativity that was trying to flood into his soul once again. He now regretted for shooing Sebastian away. He needed him. Sebastian was his source of motivation, someone he could rely on and depend on.

He somehow drifted off to sleep. He had a dream. A sweet one. He could see Sebastian beside him, presenting him with two rings. He had asked Jenson to be his life-long partner. They vowed never to part, vowed that they will always be there for one another, to cheer on each other in tough times, to share happiness together.

He woke up smiling. He hadn’t been smiling for days. The slump in performance on the track had wiped away the smile he had always have on his face. It felt good to smile genuinely once again. He could remember every details of the dream. He lied down there, thinking about the dream. It felt so real, too real to be true. He knew it may not happen even though his relationship with Sebastian was stable. Even if it does happen, no one will be able or allowed to know about it. He couldn’t bear to take all the weird looks and criticisms of their relationship. It was abnormal. They might not be able to race ever again. He couldn’t take the risk.

A nurse entered the room to check on him. She smiled when she saw a smile on Jenson’s face.

“Mr Button, it’s good to see a smile on your face! Your friend sure did a great job in cheering you up!” she said as she took the clipboard and jotted down some notes on his condition.

“Well, thank you. He did do a good job. He’s a joker,” Jenson nodded slightly. “When can I get discharged?” he asked.

“You look quite well today. The doctor will assess your condition later but I think the fastest for you to be discharged will be tomorrow,” she explained to him, always keeping a sweet smile on her face.

Jenson thanked the nurse as she walked out, bumping into someone when she opened the door to head out. A familiar voice apologised to the nurse. Jenson looked up to find the familiar cheeky smile on the person’s face as he approached him.

“Jense my dear, how are you feeling today? I brought you some cake!” Sebastian beamed at him, lifting the paperbag he was holding on to show Jenson.

A wide smile appeared on Jenson’s face at the sound of cake. “I’m feeling fine, better than yesterday,” he sat up, clearly eager to taste some lovely cake.

Sebastian took out the cake from the packaging. He sat down on the bed next to Jenson, holding onto the paper plate.

“It’s red velvet cake. I hope you’ll like it. I... actually baked it myself,” Sebastian said, his voice turning softer as he was shy about it.

“You... you baked for me? Just for me?” Jenson looked at him, clearly surprised by this. He hadn’t expected this.

“I need to cheer you up and I know you love cakes. So...” Sebastian’s voice trailed away as he felt lips on his. Jenson had pressed an affectionate kiss on his lips. Sebastian smiled and blushed slightly as Jenson pulled away.

“Thank you Seb... Thank you so much... This... it means a lot to me...” Jenson said, looking at him.

“Nah~ It’s nothing... Try some. I hope it’s up to your standards... I’m helpless in such things...” Sebastian said, sending a small piece of cake into his mouth.

Jenson chewed on the cake, closing his eyes to feel the taste spreading inside of his mouth. The aroma was rich and he loved it.

“Seb, this is just... wonderful! It’s delicious!” Jenson exclaimed and it made Sebastian blushed deeper.

Jenson took the plate from Sebastian and finished the whole piece of cake. Sebastian looked at him while he ate, clearly feeling nervous about something. Jenson noticed it. He looked at him.

“What’s wrong Seb? Something bothering you...? Is it because of me...?” Jenson asked, clearly worried for him.

“Jense... I... I was thinking... We have been together for... quite a long while... and after what happened to you yesterday... I thought... I think we should, you know... try to stabilise our relationship further...” Sebastian stuttered as he tried to express what was on his mind.

“Stabilise our relationship...? What... what do you mean?” Jenson asked. It reminded him of his dream. Was it going to happen for real? It couldn’t be...

Sebastian held onto Jenson’s hand. “Will you be my life long partner? I... I know this is weird... but I really want us to be official... Not having this relationship in the dark... you know...” Sebastian tried to say more but he was stopped by Jenson pressing his lips against his again. He relaxed and responded to the kiss, hugging onto the man he loves with his heart and soul.

“Seb, yes... I will... I love you...” Jenson whispered as they parted. Sebastian smiled as he closed the gap once more, pouring everything he was feeling into that kiss. All his love for Jenson were portrayed in that kiss.

...

Jenson was discharged one day later and it was exactly one week before the German Grand Prix. He got back to his routine training to prepare for the weekend. He was happier than usual and his trainer noticed it. His trainer was glad that Jenson was happy once more. It will definitely improve his performance on the track.

The race soon started and Jenson was feeling well prepared. He had qualified better than before and he was optimistic he could get a good result out of this race. True enough, he was battling for the win. He was holding off Sebastian. He had mixed emotions about holding him back but he knew this was his job, their job. Sebastian would understand. They are professional racers anyway.

Then, it happened. Sebastian had overtaken him on the outside, off the track. He knew it was wrong. He knew he needed to complain for his team’s interest, for his championship bid. He complained over the radio but it hurt him to do so. He knew Sebastian would be sad if he receives a penalty after the race but he had to do it.

Jenson crossed the line in third while Sebastian was second. As he got out of the car, he could see the tinge of worry in Sebastian’s eyes. He knew he might get a penalty for what he had done but he still put on a smile and patted Jenson on the back. Jenson wanted to cheer him up but he couldn’t, not in front of the cameras.

The podium ceremony was not as happy as usual. Sebastian was normally happier than usual when he shared the podium with Jenson but not today. Jenson tried to cheer him up by spraying champagne all over him but he knew it didn’t work.

They headed to the post race press conference. Jenson sat uncomfortably in front of the reporters with Fernando in the middle, blocking access to Sebastian. He really wanted to cheer him up badly. He wished the press conference would be over soon so he could do something.

Just as Jenson was feeling frustrated, Sebastian had said something that he thought would never happened.

“Erm. This race was quite good. I personally think the overtaking maneuver was alright. I was in front of Jenson before I was pushed wide onto the track... But that aside, I have something else that I would like to say. Nothing to do with the race. It’s an announcement I would like to make...” Sebastian said, turning to look at Jenson.

“I would like to say that I am proud to have a partner like Jenson. He was there for me during the ups and downs of my life and likewise I was there for him whenever he needed me. I love him with my life, heart and soul. Yes, we might be judged by people but I don’t want this to be under the table. It’s not something illegal or bad. I hope people respect us. Our relationship will not affect our racing. You can see what happened during the race. That is evidence,” he continued, all the while looking at Jenson.

“With that, I’m proud to say that Jenson is my other half and without him, I will not be the Sebastian Vettel you guys are looking at now,” he smiled, turning back to the reporters. He leaned back on the chair, dismissing any other questions about him and Jenson.

Fernando sat there in between, clearly hoping he could melt away so that he wasn’t blocking the lovebirds. Jenson was blushing deeply at the statements Sebastian had said. The press conference ended before any reporters could ask any further. They got up and Fernando quickly left so that he wasn’t disturbing the two. Sebastian wrapped his arm around his waist as they left the media center.

“I told you I want our relationship to be official... and not in the dark. I hope you understand... I’m sorry I didn’t discuss with you beforehand...” Sebastian whispered, clearly afraid Jenson might scold him for blurting it out.

“No... It’s fine with me... I need to thank you... I wanted to say that for such a long time and you did it... You did it for us... Thank you...” Jenson whispered back, pressing a kiss to his cheek.

They knew the reporters will be chasing after them for the next few days and their news will be reported all over but they couldn’t care less. What was more important to them was their happiness, their trust for each other and also their love for each other. Nothing mattered more than those...

 

 


End file.
